“Thanks SABC” and 7 other songs you won’t believe exist

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Yesterday the SABC dropped ‘Thanks SABC’, a song that congratulated both the broadcaster and COO Hlaudi Motsoeneng for the decision to have 90% local music played across all its radio stations. As you do.

If you missed it yesterday here it is again:

Leaving aside the bizarre decision to give itself a pat on the back, the SABC’s track is something of a curio. It’s so mind-boggingly odd that it makes it catnip to anyone who likes collecting left-of-the-dial tat.

Many South Africans have rolled their eyes about the song, citing it as both embarrassing and something that could only happen in this country. This is completely false! Have a gander at the list below and tell us again how ‘Thanks SABC’ is the oddest song you’ve heard this week!

Cyberspace Spirit

South Africa isn’t alone when it comes to writing songs congratulating government bodies and politicians. The Chinese government beat us to the punch a couple of years ago with ‘Cyberspace Spirit‘, a song that praises the Cyberspace Administration of China and its practice of online censorship. Yes, really.

Sample lyrics:
“Devotedly keeping watch over the space every day,
Taking up our mission as the sun rises in the east,
Innovating every day, embracing the clear and bright,
Like warm sunshine moving in our hearts.
Unified with the strength of all living things,
Devoted to turning the global village into the most beautiful scene”

England Are Jolly Dee

Ever heard of Neil and Christine Hamilton? If not, he’s a British politician with a rather shady past and she’s his wife. The pair of them were the subject of a Louis Theroux documentary a while back and to say they came off as rather odd is an understatement. What you need to know about them for the purposes of this article is that they’re jointly responsible for one of the worst songs ever recorded in the history of the human race: ‘England Are Jolly Dee’, a song that was presumably meant to inspire England’s football team in 2010. If the England players had ever heard it, it’s likely they would’ve swerved their tour bus into the nearest ravine. It’s really that bad.

Sample lyrics:
“The manager’s a chap from Sweden
With glasses and a balding head
Sven picks the team and chooses tactics
And also likes to score in bed”

Drop-Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life)

According to his Wikipedia page, Bobby Bare is a country and western artist responsible for the only Christian-Football Waltz in existence. That track was Drop-kick Me Jesus (Through The Goalposts Of Life), which not only turned out to be a hit for Bare, it was even nominated for a Grammy in 1976. Yes, this is a real song.

Sample lyrics:
“Drop-kick me Jesus through the goalposts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of those righteous uprights
Drop-kick me Jesus through the goalposts of life”

Birthday Cake

Formed in New York by two Japanese expats, Cibo Matta aren’t exactly what you’d call mainstream. This is a band that sang almost exclusively about food in its early days; their first album spawned tracks with titles like ‘Sugar Water’, ‘Apple’ and ‘Know Your Chicken’. However, for our money, the duo didn’t produce a more bizarre number on their debut than ‘Birthday Cake’, a song about an ungrateful son having his birthday cake shoved in his face. It’s bonkers, funky and you’ll not have heard much like it.

Sample lyrics:
“Yes I’m cooking for my son and his wife
It’s his 30th birthday 
Pour berries in my bowl 
Add milk of two months ago
“It’s moldy mom, isn’t it?”
I don’t give a flying f*ck though!!
Shut up shut up and eat!!!”

MS-DOS 5 Upgrade

Mega Corporations should really wrap their collective heads around the fact that they aren’t cool. They may make cool products, but they themselves are not cool. Microsoft seems to have never realised this and, over the years, has released adverts and promos that are both cringe-worthy and toe-curlingly bad. One of the company’s lows in this regard has to be its song promoting the MS DOS 5, which is a mortal sin against the human sense of hearing. Believe.

Sample lyrics:
“It’s late at night
You’re feeling right
You’re working at your PC

We’re Strong As Can Be

Let’s be honest; in a list like this, picking on corporate anthems is like shooting fish in a barrel. With a tank. To truly justify including one it has to be absolutely godawful and KPMG’s song about how wonderful it is fits the bill perfectly. Seriously, this is the sort of song that even Kenny G would’ve thrown in the toilet. Surprisingly, KPMG’s management was not very pleased about it being leaked online. After you listen to it for a bit, you might be in agreement with them.

Sample lyrics:
“KPMG, we’re strong as can be
A team of power and energy

We go for the gold
Together we hold
Onto our vision of global strategy” 

The 7th Element

Who is Vitas? What is he? Where does he come from? Is he, as his Wikipedia page states a Russian singer who incorporates pop, techno and garbled lyrics into his songs? Is he an alien sent down to earth to tease humans with his incomprehensible songs and wildly erratic musical palette? Who the hell is his taylor? How much glitter can one man have? What’s with that warm rictus every time he finishes a verse? Your guess is as good as ours.

Sample Lyrics:
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaah
Thbbthbbbthhbbbb ha ha ha hah!” 

Did we miss any? Have you found any egregiously bad songs with cringe-worthy lyrics that make you stop and think to yourself, “did somebody actually write this?” Share them with us in the comments or on Facebook and Twitter.

[Image – CC2.0 by Olly Farrell]